Say what you will about video games. I love them, I play them, and I have never killed a person in my life (however, after watching Highlander, I did have an urge to run around with a katana, screaming “There can only be one!”. Maybe we should look at violence and movies….)

But I digress.

I love video games. I love movies. So why do movies based on video games suck so bad? Here’s an analogy for ya: Fruit equals yummy. Cake equals yummy. Fruitcake is just a holiday paperweight.

See what I mean?

So why? What the heck is Hollywood doing so utterly…wrong…when it comes to video games, but in recent years, done so dang well with comic books? (Iron Man, The Avengers, Thor, Batman, the list goes on..) And stop. Uwe Boll is NOT the answer to the aforementioned question (well…not the only acceptable answer…) So here we go. My opinionated list of things that make video game movies suck. So if Hollywood tried doing the opposite of these things, maybe they wouldn’t suck.

Video game movies always miscast.

Angelina Jolie was an okay Lara Croft in 2001’s Tomb Raider. But seriously. Couldn’t they find an actual, good British actress to fill that role? Maybe a Rachel Weiz (who proved her adventuring chops in The Mummy from 1999). Because I sure as hell know that Jake Gyllenhaal was perfect to play the Prince in Prince of Persia, as opposed to an actual Arab American actor by the name of Philip Shabaz (who, if you don’t know, is the voice actor for Altair in Assasin’s Creed.)

Video game movies always turn into Michael Bay films, and not their source material.

Tomb Raider was a bunch of fight scenes with explosions and stunts. Oh! In tombs. Wait! So was Hitman. And Max Payne! (both without tombs, however…) Anyone who has played the Tomb Raider games knows an Indiana Jones type approach would’ve been better. And Resident Evil? Isn’t that survival horror? The movies were nothing more than razzle dazzle zombie killfests with references to the game. Seriously: Resident Evil would’ve been a greater movie–and series–had it stuck with “survival horror.” Imagine what it would’ve been like if it was reminiscent of The Cabin in the Woods or any great horror film you can think of. Sure, not everyone wants to go see a horror movie, but then again, not everyone wants to play Resident Evil. Those games made you actually feel fear. The movies? They made me laugh. In a good, sad, why-God-why way.

We all know a Gears of War movie or a Halo movie will probably just end up like Doom.

Now imagine if someone approached it seriously and made something similar to Black Hawk Down, complete with Mr. Hans Zimmer. Think taking an old idea and recycling it to sci fi doesn’t work? Two words: District 9. (well…a letter and a number.)

Whoever is making them SUCK at making movies.

This isn’t a reason. Just a rant. A rant in list form showing several video game movies and their rating. Please, whoever is making, producing, thinking of these: learn to make movies. Please. Because if you don’t know how to make a good movie, you can take the greatest idea and turn it into crap.

Tomb Raider 19%
Resident Evil 34%
House of the Dead 4%
Alone in the Dark 1% (Hahah! Oh, those 1%…)
BloodRayne 4%
Max Payne 4%
Hitman 14%

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD there are a million of them and the highest rating is a 43% (for Final Fantasy: Spirits Within, because it actually tried.)

I am sad now. I can’t write because my mind burns with anger and words.

I am going to go play Conan–I mean, Skyrim.